Who else needs it?

Fat Bluegill
Reactions:
Posts: 15
Joined: Fri Sep 30, 2016 8:51 am
Hammock: Dream Hammock Sparro
Tarp: Warbonnet Superfly
Suspension: Various
Insulation: Pad and sleeping Bag

Who else needs it?

#1

Post by Fat Bluegill » Tue Oct 18, 2016 12:06 pm

Hi,

I am new to this forum. But after reading a lot of post over the last few weeks, I have an idea that its safe to post this on this forum.

In my life right now there are TON of conflicts. Parents, wife, kids, co-workers, on and on. Nothing violent or anything, just arguing and disagreement. Personally I am considering filing for divorce, which with my upbringing, is the worst possible thing you could do. It will absolutely destroy me.

But to my question. Who else needs to go to the woods to escape To me it has been in the past the easiest places I could hear my creator's voice. I always felt I walked away from time in the woods with clearer insight into what was going on my life. Lately that has been more of a challenge. Anyways, just hoping that I find some kindred spirits here.

Fat Bluegill



User avatar
Scuba
Site Admin
Reactions:
Posts: 852
Joined: Thu Aug 13, 2015 10:02 pm
Location: San Antonio
Hammock: DreamHammock
Tarp: UGQ WD or Hanger
Suspension: Varies
Insulation: UGQ40 HG20

Re: Who else needs it?

#2

Post by Scuba » Tue Oct 18, 2016 1:55 pm

Sounds familiar to me.
"I come in peace. I didn't bring artillery. But I'm pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I'll kill you all." - Gen James Mattis, USMC RET.
Owner/Administrator HammockHangers.net

User avatar
gmcpcs
Reactions:
Posts: 245
Joined: Sun Aug 16, 2015 10:01 pm
Location: Midland, TX
Hammock: DIY WB Clone ATACS
Tarp: DIY Hex ATACS FG
Suspension: Cargo strap loop, BN
Insulation: PLUQ, Down, DIY
Contact:

Re: Who else needs it?

#3

Post by gmcpcs » Tue Oct 18, 2016 2:03 pm

Bluegill,

There are no easy answers to your tough problems. Believe me, I've been there, with the arguing and ultimatum delivering. You certainly have to watch out when you get to that point, but if you do, there is always a returning point.

I tend to conflict with my wife over my different "hobbies", like getting out to the woods and stuff, as she isn't into that so much as I. I would counsel you to keep listening to your creator's voice, that He does listen to you, even when you are railing at Him for what is going on. Sticking to your vows is an important stance to take. Sometimes, my wife and I would be fighting and it seemed like she just wanted to know that I was listening, and that I was still committed to her and the marriage, no matter what she said or did. I can't presume to know your situation, and can't give you any more advice than this: The closer we grow in our Christian walk to the Lord, the closer we are to those we love. It's like, not a 50/50 relationship but 100% of me giving to her. Once I get closer to the Lord, it is easier to be a servant.

My 50 C, keep at it.

Take it easy,

GMCPCS
Texas will again lift it's head and stand among the nations. It ought to do so, for no country upon the globe can compare with it in natural advantages.
Sam Houston
"...But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD."
Joshua 24:15b

User avatar
GregD
Reactions:
Posts: 513
Joined: Sun Jan 10, 2016 1:12 pm
Location: Houston, TX
Hammock:
Tarp:
Suspension:
Insulation:

Re: Who else needs it?

#4

Post by GregD » Tue Oct 18, 2016 3:54 pm

Some things I tell myself that might be relevant:

Don't fight with family. Fights have winners and losers. Do you really want a family member to loose? Family is about mutual support. Change the focus to how to make the situation work for everyone involved. (I got this from "Dr. Phil"). One helpful question: "What do you propose we do about this?" One helpful statement: "These are some consequences of that proposal that I think are undesirable".

Own your mistakes.

Guilt is destructive. Except to the extent that guilt can provide useful motivation to do better, it destroys everything it touches.

Accept limitations and deal with them.

User avatar
sarge
Reactions:
Posts: 2066
Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:14 am
Location: Houston, TX
Hammock:
Tarp:
Suspension:
Insulation:
Contact:

Re: Who else needs it?

#5

Post by sarge » Tue Oct 18, 2016 4:44 pm

For me the question is always this:

Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?

The woods is a good place to go to ponder that one.
You can resolve to live your life with integrity. Let your credo be this: Let the lie come into the world, let it even triumph. But not through me. ― Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
My You Tube Channel

User avatar
ADVStrom14
Reactions:
Posts: 121
Joined: Sun Aug 21, 2016 8:27 am
Hammock: HH Backpackr Classic
Tarp: HH Hex 30D
Suspension: Webbing, Dutch Bling
Insulation: Costco, fleece, HHSS
Contact:

Re: Who else needs it?

#6

Post by ADVStrom14 » Tue Oct 18, 2016 5:05 pm

gmcpcs wrote:Bluegill,
I would counsel you to keep listening to your creator's voice, that He does listen to you, even when you are railing at Him for what is going on. Sticking to your vows is an important stance to take. Sometimes, my wife and I would be fighting and it seemed like she just wanted to know that I was listening, and that I was still committed to her and the marriage, no matter what she said or did. I can't presume to know your situation, and can't give you any more advice than this: The closer we grow in our Christian walk to the Lord, the closer we are to those we love. It's like, not a 50/50 relationship but 100% of me giving to her. Once I get closer to the Lord, it is easier to be a servant.
I'm very sorry that you are facing those issues. I second the above. My husband and I have gone through some patches and I also second the need (yes, need, not desire) to get outside to think about it and work through.

I need to get outside and in the woods because there's no one out there calling my name and needing me to do something for them. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers, my friend!
I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority. -E. B. White

User avatar
Scott
Reactions:
Posts: 347
Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2015 11:08 am
Location: Texas Lost Pines (just outside Wierd)
Hammock:
Tarp:
Suspension:
Insulation:

Re: Who else needs it?

#7

Post by Scott » Tue Oct 18, 2016 9:51 pm

The woods is a great place to get my head straight. The biggest thing I miss since moving to Texas are mountains close by. combine a motorcycle, mountain roads, and an kayak or trail at the end of the road, not much better than that for 'therapy'.

For the rest of it, not presuming to know anything about your situation, those couples that I have seen work, are those that both are contributing. Unfortunately sometimes one partner can become demanding, and difficult, and the other spends all their time trying to avoid setting the first one off. I am no marriage counselor, my experience comes from talking with many different couples and through life experience.

I do like Sarges right vs happy, but sometimes people are neither...and sometimes they can be both.

I wish you success.
Texas sucede? Y'all are lucky we don't invade!

User avatar
TXyakr
Reactions:
Posts: 177
Joined: Tue Oct 13, 2015 9:42 pm
Location: DFW north
Hammock:
Tarp:
Suspension:
Insulation:

Re: Who else needs it?

#8

Post by TXyakr » Wed Oct 19, 2016 3:54 am

Some outdoor time is great therapy especially if you can go to sleep looking at the stars in your hammock and put life back into perspective. Some quiet time alone in the wilderness helps me. Conflict in a relationship is not necessarily a bad thing, but treating others with respect and love is, and not getting overly defensive about your views (a very hard one for me). Some of the strongest couples I know disagree quite loudly about a many things, they have a very "volatile relationship" but they respect and care for each other and it is actually a stronger bond than some other couples that avoid all conflict. Many different "types" of relationships can be healthy as long as the fundamentals are strong. There are dozens if not hundreds of good books but if you would like to understand what can make a relationship strong and healthy based on extensive research not just anecdotes or "one size fits all advice" then listen to an audio copy of this book while hiking or just relaxing in your hammock (one free audio/month with Amazon account). Or order paperback from someplace like Amazon or find in your local used book store. About $10. "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last" by John Gottman PhD https://www.amazon.com/Why-Marriages-Su ... ed+or+fail

Fat Bluegill
Reactions:
Posts: 15
Joined: Fri Sep 30, 2016 8:51 am
Hammock: Dream Hammock Sparro
Tarp: Warbonnet Superfly
Suspension: Various
Insulation: Pad and sleeping Bag

Re: Who else needs it?

#9

Post by Fat Bluegill » Wed Oct 19, 2016 6:46 am

I wish I could say I was always right, that would be a lie. And nobody would believe me anyways. Funny how God never promised answers. At least in my limited reading he never has. He always did promise to walk beside us. Even thought we don't see it, don't want it, and even at times reject it. I don't know which of the three I am right now. I wish I could say I wasn't the one yelling and my wife the one not wanting to set me off. I wish I could say that she was helping me. It feels like most of the time I am doing 80% to her 20. I sure that's not the case, but that is my perception right now. I have been married 20 years and it seems we have been arguing about 19. I am just so TIRED. I don't even know why I am trying to vent on a forum of all places. I am trying desperately not to flush the past 20 years down the toilet. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel alone. Like everyone as abandoned me. What is the saying, a man who cries walks alone, a man who rejoices has a multitude of friends. I don't know, I'll figure it out. Eventually.

User avatar
UncleMJM
Reactions:
Posts: 529
Joined: Thu Aug 13, 2015 11:16 pm
Location: College Station, TX
Hammock: Freebird
Tarp: UGQ SilPoly... soon
Suspension: webbing/whoopies...
Insulation: beer/pizza reserves

Re: Who else needs it?

#10

Post by UncleMJM » Wed Oct 19, 2016 8:14 am

Fat Bluegill wrote:I wish I could say I was always right, that would be a lie. And nobody would believe me anyways. Funny how God never promised answers. At least in my limited reading he never has. He always did promise to walk beside us. Even thought we don't see it, don't want it, and even at times reject it. I don't know which of the three I am right now. I wish I could say I wasn't the one yelling and my wife the one not wanting to set me off. I wish I could say that she was helping me. It feels like most of the time I am doing 80% to her 20. I sure that's not the case, but that is my perception right now. I have been married 20 years and it seems we have been arguing about 19. I am just so TIRED. I don't even know why I am trying to vent on a forum of all places. I am trying desperately not to flush the past 20 years down the toilet. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel alone. Like everyone as abandoned me. What is the saying, a man who cries walks alone, a man who rejoices has a multitude of friends. I don't know, I'll figure it out. Eventually.
Some wise words have been posted above that are well worth reflecting upon.

While I strongly believe it is better to be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt, it's hard for me to resist tossing in a few comments.

Some of my thoughts may be smart aleck; others platitudes mixed with what may be lame advice; all from the point of view of a frequently lapsed, always forgiven, Christian who is blessed more than deserved and so committed to the concept of never quitting that I may or may not still wear clothing items from the early 80's...

I hear that one past the first year, the next 19 are the hardest followed by many more with the occasional new and unexpected challenge. I don't like the guy who said nothing worthwhile comes easy, but he's likely correct.

I've also learned that what many think of as a 50/50 relationship really must be 100/100 to fully work.

Time in the woods to reflect can be helpful. It can also be my way of shutting down and running away when maybe I should face something.

Communication is not alternate innings of pitching and hitting, but more of a series of long volleys that when the ball is knocked out of play or into the net, can begin again with a fresh serve.

Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages, while not the Bible, is worth the read.

Since a mention of faith was made by the OP, the bible is an excellent resource; there's some good stuff about love, forgiveness, and redemption in there. For us, the reminder that our marriage is not between 2, but of 2 in faith, with Christ in the center has helped move us from the "I'll figure it out" to the only way to figure things out, which is "we will".

There can be value in counseling.

There is value in vows kept.

Until a couple prays together over an extended period of time, they can't say they've tried everything.

This is not an instructional "to do" list. This is a reflection of what has helped this poster recognize how blessed he has been and how thankful he is for every one of 35 anniversaries since saying, "I do", and nearly 42 years of "going steady".

Has it always been easy? No.
Have there ever been times of question, and frustration? Yes.
Have there been times where we have hurt one another? Yes.
Has she changed? Yes.
Have I changed? Thankfully, Yes.
Has it been worth it? Absolutely.

User avatar
GregD
Reactions:
Posts: 513
Joined: Sun Jan 10, 2016 1:12 pm
Location: Houston, TX
Hammock:
Tarp:
Suspension:
Insulation:

Re: Who else needs it?

#11

Post by GregD » Wed Oct 19, 2016 8:41 am

Counselling is much cheaper than divorce.

It sounds like you two have 20 years of bad habits on how you interact with each other. If so it would take dedicated effort over a sustained period of time to change that.

But while it would be difficult, it isn't complicated. Your job is to help your partner win; your partner's job is to help you win. Talk to each other about how things are going. Helpful way of expressing difficult topics: "When you do X it makes me feel Y". Talk to each other about what you can try doing differently that might make things better. And try to do them. Be supportive; ask for support. Ya'll are PARTNERS; act like it.

Fat Bluegill
Reactions:
Posts: 15
Joined: Fri Sep 30, 2016 8:51 am
Hammock: Dream Hammock Sparro
Tarp: Warbonnet Superfly
Suspension: Various
Insulation: Pad and sleeping Bag

Re: Who else needs it?

#12

Post by Fat Bluegill » Wed Oct 19, 2016 8:49 am

All wise words. I am a firm believer in the "open your mouth and remove all doubt." And that here is a great value in the animosity of the internet. Although it wouldn't be to hard to figure who exactly I am. I haven't considered all of what I said without a great deal of prayer and pondering. And I know that God values vows kept. And that marriage in 100/100. The only reason why I am still "in the game" is because of my faith. But I have to admit, God better show up soon because I am at my wits end.

User avatar
GregD
Reactions:
Posts: 513
Joined: Sun Jan 10, 2016 1:12 pm
Location: Houston, TX
Hammock:
Tarp:
Suspension:
Insulation:

Re: Who else needs it?

#13

Post by GregD » Wed Oct 19, 2016 9:21 am

Fat Bluegill wrote:But I have to admit, God better show up soon because I am at my wits end.
Isn't it also said, "God helps those who help themselves"? Maybe its time for you to help yourself.

First, observe that you are at your wits end. Clearly you don't know everything. That doesn't make you special; nobody knows everything. Remember both of those points. Just because something doesn't make sense to you doesn't mean that it is wrong.

Then talk to your partner. You could do worse than simply stating to your partner, "What can I do differently to make our marriage better?".
Start with baby steps. Just a little extra effort on some small thing for no other reason than it would make life better for her.

User avatar
BillyBob66
Reactions:
Posts: 689
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2015 10:43 am
Location: Tupelo, MS
Hammock: Claytor/JRB/HH/SB
Tarp: JRB 11X10
Suspension: CinchBuckle/WS/TriG
Insulation: HHSS,P.Pod,MWUQ,Yeti

Re: Who else needs it?

#14

Post by BillyBob66 » Wed Oct 19, 2016 10:39 am

Well now, there seems to be some pretty good advice here, and I don't really have anything of my own to add to it. So I will simply share a FWIW type of personal anecdote, which may not even apply to Fat Bluegill's situation. Or, it might, who knows? Not me! And since the OP and thread has mentioned faith several times- I assume Christian faith correct me if I am wrong - I will throw in some scripture just because I like scripture and who knows it might be helpful to the OP.

The personal anecdote: For some years I have taught a Sunday School class to the oldest guys in my church- they average 15 to 25 years older than me. I even have a true WW2 battle field hero in that class, a guy to whom many German soldiers surrendered to the small squad he commanded(as a Lieutenant ) at the river and town where the Russians met up with the Americans, major history. The surrendered to him and his small squad by the thousands to avoid capture by the Russians just across the river. Sadly, but naturally, my class gets smaller and smaller each year. But I digress. So anyway, one guy told me about how once he had either social or business relationships with several folks that he just could not stand. They had many characteristics he found very objectionable and he could not easily avoid them for whatever reason. So he did something that was a little different. Instead of continuing to pray for them to change(which I suppose he had done) he became more concerned about the way he thought about them. So he started praying for God to enable him to love them. And his prayers were finally answered. I do not remember if their objectionable qualities improved significantly or not. But I do remember he said that after some period of time he did come to love these guys as they did him, and they became life long friends.

I find myself in a similar situation with a family member. And I have been adopting that method for a while now, but it is still a work in progress. I still pray for the ability to love that person, and they still appear to me to be quite the horse's ass. But I have not given up, and I know I need God's help to love them rather than the opposite.

Some Christian scripture, for any Christians who might be interested, and just as a reminder because I am sure most Christians already know this:

Ephesians 5 (NASB)" 21 and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. 22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband...............................................................................................................
Romans 12:3 For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith. 4 For just as we have many members in one body and all the members do not have the same function, 5 so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. "
Rom8:21the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption23..but..we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit.. groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body

User avatar
gmcpcs
Reactions:
Posts: 245
Joined: Sun Aug 16, 2015 10:01 pm
Location: Midland, TX
Hammock: DIY WB Clone ATACS
Tarp: DIY Hex ATACS FG
Suspension: Cargo strap loop, BN
Insulation: PLUQ, Down, DIY
Contact:

Re: Who else needs it?

#15

Post by gmcpcs » Wed Oct 19, 2016 11:38 am

I'll add another verse, that I have engraved inside my wedding band: I Peter 3:7 "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered."

I imagine the term "vessel" as me being the ceramic coffee mug and my wife being the dainty tea cup. They both can hold the same thing, (Grace of life) but you sure don't use them to bang together in a toast, or one will get cracked. I had to explain this to my father in law, who was very suspicious of my marrying his youngest daughter. I will try to honor and respect her, not that she is weaker, per se, but that she is deserving of honor from me. It took years for her side of the family to trust me, but I can say that they do now.

Take it easy,
GMCPCS
Texas will again lift it's head and stand among the nations. It ought to do so, for no country upon the globe can compare with it in natural advantages.
Sam Houston
"...But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD."
Joshua 24:15b

Post Reply

Return to “Off-Topic Discussions”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests